Posted on 18 June 2010

Daniel, as we take a photo of our World Cup outfits before stepping into a dubious looking taxi: “Is this our last photo, in case we don’t make it?”

Dan, whispering facetiously: “I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable – there’re so many white people here!”

Jeff: “Before I learnt Italian, I thought that Italians were so dramatic and exciting and interesting people, cause I couldn’t understand what they were saying! But then I realized that they had the most boring conversations about all the different types of pasta!”

Stuart: “They just look so Australian! Look, you can even tell from the way their lips are moving, that they’re speaking with an Ozzie accent!”

Nic, to my brother: “At least our eyes don’t disappear when we smile!”
Paul, on Nic’s skin colour: “They probably won’t see you any way!”

Birgit, on Ballack not being in the Germany Team: “Agh, but Ballack was getting old anyway!”
Astrid: “Look who’s talking! You were crying a week ago when you heard he was injured and couldn’t play!”

watching a Cape Town game…
Me: “Wow, they’re working so hard!”
Paul: “Grace. It’s raining. That isn’t sweat.”
Me: “Oh. I thought Italians just looked that greasy.”

pic fail during the Japan – Cameroon game
Me, forgetting which Asian team is playing: “Hey, what does CMR stand for? China’s something Republic?”

sometimes I wonder what people think of me…
Carin, as we drive past a car with two flags: “And that one on the right, that’s the South African flag.”

as someone scores, all of a sudden, Ciffie in the silence of the restaurant: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!!! NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[I love watching with Ciffie :)]

Drunk guy in boxers, as bouncer suggests he put his pants on: “Aaaaaahh. Do I have to?”

Paul: “Shall I turn right here?”
Tim: “Yes.”
Paul: “NO! It’s a ONE-WAY!!”
Tim: “This is why YOU make the executive decisions!”

Paul, breaking the news to his passengers after we’d been cruising for a bit: “It’s probably not a good idea to be lost at this time, in this place, with no petrol…”

Me, a bit upset about one particular Argentinian scoring against South Korea: “Dumbass Argentinian!”
Graham: “Let’s not tune him – he’s only doing his job.”
Me: “You’re right. That’s not fair. I shouldn’t be attacking an individual when I could be attacking an entire continent. Dumbass South America.”

Maria: I got the extension till Wednesday. And then I told her that I’d have 20 000 by then.”
Me: “But why did you say that?!?!?! That’s only two days extra!”
Maria: “‘Cause I told her I had 15 000 words! [looking at my incredulous face] I had to! Otherwise she wouldn’t have given me the extension!”

A hour after we get into Humarga, Maria: “That’s the most typing I’ve done this whole term! I feel like I should take the rest of the day off.”

Angelo, rushing in: “ALGERIA’S TEAM JUST DROVE PAST!!!!! That’s what all the sirens and noise was about! [sitting down to update his FB status, then] I’m not going to sleep tonight!”

Joke of the week: “Newspapers report that after the USA-England game, Green went and sat on the sidelines, holding his head in his hands. But then he dropped it.”

Posted on 11 June 2010

Maria, seeing Luke: “How did he grow his beard in a week?!??! I’ve been trying for my whole life, and I still have nothing!”

Maria: “Wow. These chips are so greasy, I don’t think I’m going to need to apply LipIce for a whole year!”

Maria: “I’ve gotta lose 20 Kays before I hit Prague!”
Ingrid: “You’re going to disappear if you lose 20 Kays!”
Maria: “I’ll gain it back there. In beer.”

Abri: “It’s not that I’m playing with my food! It’s playing with me!’

Me, watching Abri struggle with his chopsticks and his hands: “Want me to ask for a knife and fork?”
Abri, trying to scoop rice: “No, I like this. Adds a sense of urgency.”

Liezl, talking about all the asian restaurants in Sydney: “And then I clicked! Deliciousness is made in Asia!”

Di: “I used to think ‘Herwin’ was someone on the SRC, ’cause I saw his name on all the recycling bins. Once, I even saw a truck with ‘Herwin’ on the side, and I remember being impressed that he even owned that!”

Paul R-I: “I don’t know how South African Afrikaans people can make fun of the Namibian Afrikaans accent. I mean, haven’t they heard themselves speaking?”

later, as he hears Bertus and Carin speak Afrikaans, muttering: “I just made Afrikaans jokes in front of Afrikaans people. That was stupid!”

Paul R-I: “God invented cheese to fill in the gaps between meat in toasted sandwiches.”

Me: “I almost broke my leg on the table and almost choked to death on my tea! All in the last five minutes!”
Helen: “And, you exaggerated REALLY BADLY. Twice!!”

Helen: “It’s a bit ironic, I suppose, that when I see children throwing stones, I want to go over and smack them on their heads and ask them ‘Where’d you learn that from, huh?!?'”

Jason: “I was watching Planet Earf [instead of Planet Earth]… Oh, I’ve got to get out of Stellenbosch.”

Tim, watching Jason torment Astrid: “She doesn’t have an older brother, so she doesn’t know how to deal with you!”
Jason, carrying on with poking her: “And I never had a younger sister, so I don’t know the limits!”

Me, to my supervisor: “How do you sleep at night!!”
Meg: “Me, very well. Some of my other students tell me that they have nightmares about me.”

Me, walking into an Indian shop with a staunch Durbanite, to the guy behind the counter: “My friend says you’re not a real Indian ’cause we live in Cape Town and you’re not a Durban Indian.”
Indian: “Actually, I came from India last year!”

Me, having stood with a group of guys for a while, watching one guy struggle with weights, suddenly: “I don’t know why we’re doing this.”
All of a sudden, one guy after another: “I don’t, either!”

Posted on 4 June 2010

Goat: “You know like when people get put into prison to… What’s the word, for like get better? Rejuvenate?”
[she was going for rehabilitate]

Adrian, talking about a TV presenter: “He lost weight, his skin got bad, and his hair looks awful now. And now he looks exactly like a child molester!”
JP: “You really don’t judge by appearances, do you?”

JP, watching the Bull’s girlfriends join them on the field: “Wow, all the players’ girlfriends are really beautiful.”
Eloff: “How do u know?”
JP: “Well, I can see them on TV!”
Eloff: “Aren’t you supposed to be looking at what’s on the inside??”

Eloff, glumly: “I know too many Bulls supporters.”
Someone: “Really? I only know a few!”
Eloff: “One’s more than enough.”

Eloff: “And Irene’s good in the kitchen as well.”
Me, startled by this new piece of information: “Really?!? How do you know?”
Eloff: “Well, compared to your standards.”
Me: “ELOFF!!! Compared to my standards, ANYONE is good in the kitchen!”

Bertus, talking about his colour-blind brother: “For a while he was convinced that peanut butter was green.”

Astrid, mishearing: “Your brother’s into green peanut butter? Has he gone organic or something?”

Jason, passing on a story about a friend’s comment to his sister: “And as he stood up, he said ‘I’m just going to get a beer. But you can carry on talking.'”

Paul, after I ask to be invited to a supper to which he’s inviting some of my favourite band guys: “Ok. You can come. But if, at any point, I ask you a simple maths equation during the dinner, and you can’t answer cause your brain’s gone gaga, you’re out.”

Jer: “It’s great working with you, ’cause every time I get worried, I just look over at you and you still look calm, I know it’s going to be okay!”
Me: “I can’t help that! It’s my Asian face!”

me, at supper with friends in CT: “Oh, I’ve been in Cape Town since like 8 this morning.”
Adele: “Oh? What have you been doing?”
Me: “Getting lost!”

Kyle G’s FB status: “‘Ironman’ is a superhero. ‘Iron woman’ is a command.”

Paul: “You’ve gone into silent mode on me! I hate it when you do that!”
Me: “But you do it to me the WHOLE time!”
Paul: “That’s because I have nothing to say to your silly stories!”

Simon: “Okay. Now you’re being obstreporous!”
Me: “Woah, big word! Where did that come from?”
Simon: “My mom. She always tells me I’m being that.”

Adele, on my brother’s sleeping pattern: “And he wakes up at like 4:30?!?”
Fran: “Yeah, he’s a martyr like that.”
Someone: “Somehow, I don’t think that waking up at 4 in the morning is what God calls us to do.”

Jeanneke: “Our presentation’s been moved to next Wednesday! When are we going to find time to buy vuvuzelas and facepaint?”
Me: “Why do you need that for your presentation?!?”
Jeanneke: “No, man! For the World Cup on Friday! Who cares about the presentation!?!?”

Simon, turning his head away from Astrid, but stretching out a high-five in her direction: “That was a ‘blind-five'”.
Faye: “Really? ‘Cause that looked more like a ‘speak-to-the-hand’.”

Someone: “Guys aren’t the only ones who’re made happy by food! Girls are too!”
Simon: “Well, there’s a distinction. Guys only need food to be happy. Girls need emotional things as well.

Me: “Wow, Greenpoint is so beautiful!”
Jeanneke: “Nope. Grace. We’ve been through this before. Greenpoint is on the other side of the mountain. We can’t see it from UCT.”

Me, after giving Paul tips to deal with emotional girl issues: “Look. All I’m saying is that I’m preparing you for the day that you’re married to someone and you have to listen to all her stories.”
Paul: “Grace. There are two things that man has invented especially for those situations. One – the TV. Two – earphones. … Just don’t use them at the same time, otherwise that’ll defeat the purpose.”

Posted on 28 May 2010

Cecil: “I saw a bumper sticker the other day. It said ‘Pray for Jacob Zuma – Psalms 109 v 8.’

Chris, upset after listening to a U2 rip-off band: “It’s because of people like them and that Justin Bieber baby guy that the world’s becoming sterile! STERILE!”

Maria: “You’re back! I’m going to lick your face!”

Faye and Paul talking about their Blackberrys…
Faye: “Before I’m even out of bed in the morning, I’m checking my emails!”
Paul, miming a ‘morning face’ and pretending to check out his Blackberry: “Wow, how do you do that so early?”
Faye, dryly: “No, I’m not Asian. My eyes open wider than that.”

Me: “They make oil from macadamia nuts now!”
Faye: “Yeah, it’s really rich!”
JP, muttering: “It makes a really good moisturiser.”

Jason: “America’s got brilliant comedians. Britain’s got great comedians. Why doesn’t South Africa have any!”
Faye: “We do! We just haven’t found them yet!”

JP, looking around at the waiters: “Do you think you have to be a struggling writer, actor or musician to be working here?”

Paul: “How old do you think [our one Indian girlfriend] is?”
Me: “27.”
Paul: “Nope.”
Me: “Younger?”
Paul: “Nope. 35.”
Me: “THIRTY-FIVE!!!”
Paul: “I KNOW! I’m going to marry an Indian!!”

Someone: “What’s your love language?”
JP: “Repentance.”

JP, looking over to the another party’s dinner table: “They didn’t finish their wine??!?!? That’s alcohol abuse!”

Faye, giving an example of stereotypical girl behaviour: “And the speaker gave an example of what every little girl does when you put a long skirt on her… which is…” [looking straight at me]
Me: “Take it off?”
Paul: “What do you mean by take it off!!!”
Me: “So she can go put pants on to run around in!”
Faye: “NO!!!! She twirls! Most little girls automatically TWIRL in long skirts!”

JP: “Banana liquer… That’s what they use in Snowballs?”
Paul: “Snowballs? JP’s showing his youth now… How do they make those?”
JP: “Hmm… I’m trying to remember…”
Me: “Aah. JP’s showing his age now.”

Michelle: “What’s that word for that condition you have when you look pregnant, but you’re not?”
Derrick: “Bierboep?”
[we were going for ‘pseudocyesis’]

Derrick: “I was what you’d call in Afrikaans ”n glipsie’… and in English, ‘a mistake’.”

Derrick: “Yeah, the TV blew up, and then, there I was!”

Ethel: “So I left my supervisor! So now I’m a non-practising student.”
Mieke, muttering: “Yeah, Ethel’s taken the liberty of assigning herself her own university post.”

Sarah: “I also did a bit of directing, but only cause you don’t need talent to do it. All you need is a big voice, so you can shout at those who have the talent.”

Me: “Spoken word is very underground, not really well-known here.”
Sarah: “Aah.. like every other cultural fad in South Africa.”

Kyle: “With church-planting, there’re some things you can be open-fisted about – whether you get plastic chairs or wooden pews.. But some things, you’ve just got to have right. Reformed theology. Filter coffee.”

you know you’re working too hard when…
Librarian, looking very concerned at me: “Would you like a box to carry all your books in?”

Two year old, after being asked what he’d like his new baby sister to be called: “Uhh… Mister Rat!”

Why you should never use mathematical equations to pick up girls….
BComm, seeing the colours of a girl’s cocktails mix: “Look! Red and blue make cocktails! You and me make love!”

so what happened?!?!

Some time in Durban, Pietermaritzburg, Johannesburg, conferencing in Stellenbosch, catching up on work, thesising, time near the Kruger National, and lots of life in between = no quotes.

But I’ll be back! This week onwards!

Yipppeeee 🙂

Posted on 13 March 2010

the morning after an Indian party…
Graham, as we’re about to walk into the market: “You still have a red dot on your forehead after last night, but I didn’t want to tell you this until we were about to see a ton of people, and you couldn’t do anything about it.”

Matt: “Have you watched ‘Alice in Wonderland’ yet?”
Jaryd: “I hear it’s quite dark!”
Matt, dryly: “Yeah, they always switch the lights off in the movies.”

Kyle, after talking about dragonflies: “Franschoek. It’s like the home of incest!”
Matt: “… Insects? Did you mean to say insects?”
Kyle: “….”

Kyle: “I was convinced that birds used to fertilize their eggs by pooing on them, ’cause there used to be all these droppings around the nest! Then I finally clicked that it’s cause the birds sit on the edge of the nest the whole time, and can’t do it anywhere else!”

Kyle: “Julia said that being pregnant feels like you have a lot of trapped wind.”
Matt, turning to me: “Bet you really want to have a baby now!”

visiting Candice with food after she had a baby…
Me: “I bought supper for you guys! Hope you don’t mind- you know I don’t cook, so I just got some stuff from Spar!”
Candice: “Oh! When Jules told me she’d arranged with you, I was so surprised!! I thought you might get Paul to cook!”

Me, looking at a friend’s business card: “How cool! I wonder what mine would say if I had a business car!”
Richard, who’d just driven with me for the second time in a week: “Grace Kim. Reckless driver.”

when you know a student’s become too attached to you…
Me: “Aaah, I’m so sorry, I don’t know how to advise you!”
Student: “No, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have brought this up!”
Me: “No, I’m SUPPOSED to know about the ways to reference a website!!!!”

Me, running into a student in the lift: “Oh hello! Isn’t it always awkward running into your tut lecturer five hours after bunking her class that morning?”

Maria, as the third car pulls out in front of me without indicating: “You know what it is?!? It’s ’cause no-one can see you! I’ve driven past you, and it looks like there’s like this child in this driver’s seat ’cause you’re so little!”

Maria: “You’ve got like Tourette’s syndrome when you drive! You keep on making random little screams when you drive!”

Guesthouse owner, three DAYS after I emailed him (please note, I’ve been phoning him almost every day since to see if I could make a telephonic booking, to which he always replied no): “Oh yes. Our computer mouse stopped clicking, so we weren’t able to access our emails!”

Posted on 6 March

Roderick: “I don’t think we need to go through this again as everyone’s teaching different classes, and everyone knows what their own students are going through, so it doesn’t make sense to sit here and talk about a generic approach!”
Randi, loudly: “Why’s he always so angry?”

English 178 lecturer in class (couple of hundred): “So how many of you have finished the book? [people raise hands] How many of you have reached halfway? [people raise hands] And how many of you haven’t started at all? [One or two raise hands?] That’s not very clever of you to raise your hands!”

Ciffy: “Kendo, what’s kendo? That silly thing you do with sticks ’cause you’re not man enough to handle swords!”
Fran: “I’d take you on for saying that but you’re not worthy!”
Ciffy: “‘You’re not worthy! You’re not worthy!’ Bet that’s what they say to all their opponents to get out of fighting them!”

Me: “How was the sokkie last night?”
M: “Aah, it was great! I organised!”
Me: “I never took you as a sokkie fan!”
M: “Yeah, no, I’m trying to get into Afrikaans culture ’cause I think it’s great!”
Me: “Wow, it’s really cool to hear you say that.. What exactly do you think is great about it?”
M: “….The girls.”

Selene is a workaholic…
Selene: “And my throat’s so sore ’cause I’ve come down with strep throat!”
Me: “What!!!! What are you doing here! You should be at home, resting!!!”
Selene: “People keep on telling me that! But I just want to work!!!”

Lecturer, before she’s about to make a booking: “Are you sure you don’t want to phone? You know much more than I do. I’m still stuck in the 19th century!”

Jaco: “You get stranger and stranger. And every day, my interaction with you confirms this!”

Marion: “I also did French! Bonjour, comment ca va?”
Anthea: “Oh, leave me alone!”

Anthea: “Sometimes we spy on the Majuba boys! They get up to the strangest things!”
someone: “So you have your own set of binoculars?”
Anthea: “No! But some of my housemates might!”

Ralph: “Who sings that New York song?”
Me: “Frank Sinatra!”
Marion, at the same time: “Jay Z!”

Me: “JP! It’s your birthday today!! Why didn’t say something earlier when I saw you?!?”
JP, in a leap of logic: “Why didn’t I say anything earlier? Why didn’t YOU say something? Why’re you shifting blame, hey?”

First year during vocab test: “Are we allowed to use dictionaries?”

indian party…
Kyle, to Graham: “You should have worn a big nappy and come as Gandhi!”
Graham: “Or gained 300 kgs, and come as Buddha!”

Paul, as he comes in and sees Eloff’s bright yellow and bright aquamarin sequined outfit: “That’s not Indian!”
Eloff: “Yes, it is! It’s just not male!”

Eloff, on his chat with Julia’s soil scientist friend: “I knew all the words she was using, but I’ve never heard anyone use them all before in one sentence!”

Eloff: “I haven’t seen such a nice view in a while!”
Me: “Eloff! You just spent thirty minutes chatting to someone who used all these big words! Couldn’t you find a better word to use?”
Eloff: “I haven’t seen such an organic view in a while!”

Paul, very loudly, as I get up and my sari falls down: “Could you stop undressing yourself here? All the boys are staring!!”
Nicky: “Yes, there’s supposed to be belly-dancing, not a strip show!”
– it wasn’t at all bad, I was wearing clothes underneath!